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Congratulations, {NAME OF RECIPIENT:8}!
I am so happy that you {NAME THE RECIPIENT’S ACHIEVEMENT IN THE PAST TENSE:9}! What an incredible feat! That’s why I’m sending you this Funny Bonz Card™ to tell you how proud I am of you. I honestly don’t think I will meet anyone as impressive as you for at least {A SMALL NUMBER:11} minutes – give or take a minute or two.
Do you remember back when you {WEIRD ACTIVITY IN THE PAST TENSE:14}? Or when you {CRAZY ACCOMPLISHMENT IN THE PAST TENSE:20} while sucking a stranger’s {INAPPORPRIATE BODY PART:22} at the same time?! You never cease to amaze me! Regardless of all the amazing things you’ve done in the past, this is by far your most impressive accomplishment! I cannot think of anyone more deserving of praise and congratulations… well, except for maybe {UNFAVORABLE CELEBRITY:17} doing the {STRANGE/MADE UP SEX POSITION:24} on that leaked sex tape. But come on, who could even compete with that, right?!?!
With this achievement under your belt, I’m certain you’ll continue on to {WEIRD ACTIVITY:25} and {EVEN MORE WEIRD ACTIVITY:28} - you know, bigger and better things! You deserve all that life has to offer and more – or, at very least, a nap.
Congrats again!
{YOUR NAME/WHAT YOU’D LIKE TO BE CALLED:27}
P.S.
{JUST IN CASE YOUR CARD IS A LITTLE “RUFF”, FEEL FREE TO THROW THEM A BONE WITH A PERSONAL MESSAGE!:69}
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